


green

by olliebookdragon



Category: Original Work
Genre: Brown Eyes, F/M, Falling In Love, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, He's such a good guy, I suck at feelings, Love, Poetry, did it really fail tho?, green - Freeform, hahahaha, he would have waited for me, or did you sabotage it?, processing feelings, unpacking a failed relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:47:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 1,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29046357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/olliebookdragon/pseuds/olliebookdragon
Summary: maybe i'll always love him just a little bit
Kudos: 2





	1. Greenleaf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just friends we said
> 
> liars~

i am afraid to meet your eyes anymore  
because of the things  
that might crawl out  
in the spaces punctuating each breath  
things that feel like teeth  
useless and murderess and ugly  
things that taste like daisies  
all hope all youth  
fat petals heavy on my tongue  
everything that is or isn't said  
holds a knife to my throat  
watch your mouth  
or you might lose your lips  
i am only a heartbeat  
badump badump badump  
too fast too loud  
butterfly wings crumble in my head  
and my stomach  
their little pieces  
little dust  
do not settle well  
on the swells of my insecurity  
we are fragile  
our togetherness is bird bones  
stacked like a makeshift house of cards  
bound to break  
set to fall  
we're waiting on something to crystallize  
neither of us knows  
but we feel it  
like the thin crackle in your blood  
before lightening shatters  
i enjoy you in every sense of your existing  
i am terrified to change anything  
changing our something  
might make a nothing  
there's a sort of danger  
i can feel it dance on my eyelashes  
i am afraid it will murder  
whatever soft small green thing  
fights and reaches and grows  
in the moments between us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 09/06/19


	2. my heart in your mouth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ah unrequited love

i don't want   
to give you any part   
of my heart  
it has been broken   
far too many times  
for only seventeen years of beating

i have given it away  
and it has come back  
so mangled  
it will never heal

i don't think  
you will know  
what to do with my mess  
i am full of tears  
and lies  
that will turn you  
into a monster in my head

i don't think you even care  
and here i am   
writing poetry  
and dreaming about your eyes  
goddamnit   
why do i always fall   
for the people   
who don't even notice   
they have my heart   
in their mouths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spring 2019


	3. untitled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> woops
> 
> honestly can i just get my shit together for once in my life

im starting to plant things  
in the feelings growing  
between us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spring 2019


	4. untitled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes having your heart broken a few too many times makes it rather challenging to believe that people will stay

I just want somebody  
who won't leave  
please stay  
I could make a home  
out of this feeling  
out of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spring 2019


	5. untitled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to change my dreams for him
> 
> too much of a bad bitch in the end tho

i can see a world  
where we love each other   
and it is wonderfully terrifying  
i am starting to see   
a future very different  
from the one that has   
breathed in my head for years  
i am growing new dreams  
that make room for you  
in my kitchen and my bed  
i'm thinking that maybe  
what I'm dreaming of  
isn't all i really want  
maybe a person  
is a better dream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> summer 2019? actually no clue??? it has no date written with it.


	6. 11/27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we start dating ;)

i am butterflies   
and sunlight  
the sky  
is the almost-winter of my eyes

i am in love  
with your hand in mine


	7. green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you made me want to stay 
> 
> but the call of other was too much in the end

you make me want to stay   
and go   
within the same breath  
your lips tell me stories  
of places far away  
and dreams I want to chase  
your eyes whisper  
of the green ground  
and you hand on my tight of things we could shape   
out of this little bit of nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fall 2019


	8. untitled

i want to live in this feeling forever.  
I close my eyes  
and I can feel  
my heart bleed  
I love you  
it is terrible   
in its force  
I feel windblown  
and seacrushed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fall 2019


	9. untitled

it was breaking   
my heart  
being close  
but not having you  
i ached

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fall 2019


	10. love note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sappy love things

i love your eyes  
i love your smile  
i love your hands  
i love your shoulders  
i love your knees  
i love your feet

i love how your voice  
is soft and yet   
still rumbles through my bones  
when i touch you

i love that you aren't like  
anyone else i have ever met

i love that you are yourself  
even when you're afraid

i love that you are steady  
and sure  
like trees and mountains  
and steady things  
you can lean on

i love that you are intelligent  
you are so so smart  
brilliant

i love that you let me be myself  
you don't try to change me  
or shape me into your ideal of me

i love that you are so so gentle  
it makes me ache

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> winter 2019


	11. christmas gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he wanted to buy me a necklace and i told this:

I would wear  
anything   
you gave me  
simply because  
I love you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> winter 2019


	12. untitled

i am terrified  
i am falling so so fast  
i don't have to hide   
my heart from you  
i can trust you  
its so scary

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 11/29/19


	13. untitled

it is the strangest thing  
it feels like half my heart  
beats in another place

when you're away from me  
it feels like part of me  
is gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12/15/19


	14. break up?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hahaha i might have ghosted him just a little bit :(
> 
> definitely felt like a shit person

can i let you go?  
do i want to?

my soul aches   
it revolts   
when i speak your name

but my heart weeps  
when i think  
that i might never touch you again

and my head   
sits and cries  
between this mess of unknowing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 03/28/20


	15. i want a love like

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> quarantine thoughts after eating a cake every day for more than a week; i want a love that feels like cake fresh out of the oven,   
> and you didn't know how to be that for me,   
> so i'm sorry

I want a love that feels like light  
I am a heavy and deep lover  
and that is always how I have loved  
with pain and an ache in my bones

I want a love like the birds  
with their feather bones and sunlit songs  
I want a love like rising dough   
like fresh warm cake that kisses my tongue  
and tastes like joy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 04/17/20


	16. modern poetry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fucking pisces, romanticised me too much

i think you saw me   
as something i wasn’t   
something fragile and precious 

it felt like you wanted to sacrifice yourself for me  
and i ain’t bout that shit 😗✌️🤪🖕

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 10/24/20


	17. untitled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sometimes i feel unlovable

I am afraid  
that you were my last chance at love

I fear  
I will always be alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 12/29/20
> 
> (definitely doesn't have anything to do with the fact that my mother told she thought "marriage might be for you, olivia")


	18. an aborted, unsent break up letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> god, i almost threw up trying to type this
> 
> i hate processing my feelings

I think we need to break up. 

You are an amazing person and I adore you in every way, but I don't think we're ready for this. I'm not ready for this. 

You are waiting for me and I hate it. You need to go and become your own person. You almost always wait for me to make a move and it drives me crazy. You're waiting for me so you can move, get a job. I don't like that you make your decisions based on what I might want from you. 

I'm not ready for this serious of a relationship. I just turned 18; I don't know who I am yet. 

I am not ready to give you what you want. I'm about to give away 4 years of my life to college swimming and I'm super excited about it. It will own all of my time and energy. You are ready for someone now, who can give you attention and time. 

I am squashing you and you're letting me. What do you want? How are you going to go and get it? It doesn't matter what I want from you. 

This has been eating me up inside for a long time. I've felt like absolute shit about this for a solid two weeks. Anytime someone would say your name I would want to throw up. You deserve a lot better than how I've been treating you. I'm sorry.

I care about you so much, I love you, but I can't ignore my own feelings.


	19. god i’m so in love with you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i found more poetry??!
> 
> this is what happens when you're a fucking hopeless romantic who processes their feeling by writing them
> 
> omfg

i can’t stop thinking  
about you  
about possibilities  
about dreams  
and your eyes  
and lips and smile

god i’m so in love with you

your knees  
and hands  
and face  
i want to touch you


	20. bro

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just bestie things

Dude  
Holy shit  
I’m in it deep  
Just your name  
Turns me giddy  
Maks me into smiles  
And pink cheeks


	21. doyouknowwhatyoudotome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pinning but upbeat 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0zJE62mr3xAVKRK7lH0Bvg?si=WiAZDDx0TFi_uP3355hibA

i can’t catch my breath  
when you sit nest to me  
and look down  
with long lashes  
and perfect eyes  
your smile turns me into sunlight  
do you know what you do to me


	22. anything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i wanted you to make the first move
> 
> and i guess technically you did but god i wanted something a bit more than "do you like me?"

we could be anything  
just open your mouth  
and name it

we could do anything  
just open your hands  
and take me


	23. untitled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i was barely 14 when i fell for you
> 
> literally
> 
> i ate shit right in front of you
> 
> that's a meet-cute right there

i can’t believe i get to love you  
it feels like the dreams  
of my fourteen year old self


	24. oops

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don't have words
> 
> rereading these hurts :(

i am in love with you  
sorry  
it was an accident  
i swear  
but i can’t seem to shake it  
i grin like a lovesick fool  
anytime you cross my mind  
dude i really like your face  
stop being so nice  
and don’t look at me  
with your perfect brown eyes  
they make me melt


	25. another unsent (unfinished) letter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> y'all are getting all of the tea
> 
> this was quite a while before we started dating

I don’t think we’re just friends anymore. I don’t think I want to just be friends anymore, honestly. I think we could be really amazing. I’d really like to try it. I’ve been scared of this for a long time. 

Do you know I loved you when I first met you? You looked at me with those soft brown eyes and you were so different, so new. It was pretty silly then. You had something in you that made me want to follow you. You were going and doing and I wanted that. I was convinced you liked Ashley. 

I outgrew it a little bit after a while. I had become a drastically different person. I lost touch with all of the things that made me me. I fell in love and entirely broke my heart. 

I came back and we were friends again, or maybe, really for the first time. I fell in love again, someone else this time. As expected, it was as disastrous as the first. It was not as surprising as it should have been. It broke my heart. Not just what he did to me, but what he caused in my friends and even myself. It still hurts honestly; I haven’t quite recovered all the way yet. He really messed me up. 

This sounds a lot more dramatic than it actually is. That guy just betrayed me and violated my trust. We weren’t actually anything other than friends and I just had a massive incurable crush that I now really regret. 

I spent this past summer trying to learn how to be myself again. He taught me how to be afraid of people in a way I had never experienced. I know I don’t trust like I used to, i don’t think i ever will. But you were really easy to be around. You had known me before all of this and you weren’t like my other friends. I didn’t feel like you expected anything from me besides who I already was. 

We started spending time together and I was so excited to have a friend. I didn’t think anything of it really. I still remembered that massive crush from when I was 14 but I thought I had outgrown it. 

I felt something every once and a while when you would look at me a little longer or sit next to me. But I ignored it, pretended it was something else. People kept asking if we were together and I would say “we’re just friends.” 

I couldn’t ignore it anymore. I stopped saying that we were just friends. I would smile softly “well I kinda like him but I don't really think he likes me like that.” 

Then it grew even more and I stopped talking about it nearly entirely. It was too hard. I didn't truly want it to be real. There's so much between us that would be so so challenging. I don’t read between the lines terribly well; do you even like me all that much? 

I was trying to pretend that what I was feeling wasn't changing into something big. I was falling in love with you. It was honestly terrifying. We had said we were friends and we weren't going to be anything else and here I was catching mad feelings. 

You were so kind to me. You would listen to me and encourage me. You liked me as I was.


	26. untitled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i might have been projecting my control issues

when you would hold me  
it felt like you wanted to consume me  
trap me  
own me

what is it about love  
that wants us to consume


End file.
